Porsche Mania
The key epitomizes it all. Since my car is FUXXORED, I asked my bro if I could borrow one of his 17 cars, and he hands me this key. If you have any soul in your body you would recognize the pewter emblem dangling from the single key (ok ok, you people who don't know it is a Porsche have souls too). In awe I looked at him, thinking to myself "this it! My right of passage into manhood"...a single key to the insane family sportscar. There are no house keys on the ring, no gym locker keys littering any of its circular real estate. No. This key is for one thing, and one thing only: Driving. With it, there is no soccer practice, no groceries to bear, no flip down tv with DVDs running, no "I'm too busy to drive cuz I'm retarded and talking on the cell phone". None of that cat crap.
But then he took the key away :-) He did so in order to demonstrate what I was dealing with. We drove out to Pope's Head Road (one of our favorite rat racing spots) and while doing so, my brother gave the history of Porsche, Porsche Engineering mentality, Porsche Racing mentality, and made it clear that I had a duty to maintain the dignity inherent to the car. First, only Ferraris are allowed to pass you. Second, you probably won't be able to take too many people off the line, but you'll smoke 'em in the end because Porsche's are designed to be race cars, not shitbox rice rocket dragsters. Third, when trying to pick up ladies in the car, be sure to to turn down the blasting phat german techno beats before talking to them.
It's actually a 1987.5 Porsche 944 Turbo, one of the best ever made, and when it was my turn to drive, this was extremely apparent. My brother played down its off the line acceleration, but then again, I drive a shitbox Prelude; what would I know. The real fun kicks in with the suspension...it simply...does....not....move. No matter how fast you are going or how aggressive your raceline through the corner is. Once your midway through that corner, you punch the gas and the Turbo slingshots you out of it. The highways are pretty fun too. When you drive stick, you develop kind of a shift timing during certain situations. "on ramp: 3 seconds - shift to 2nd gear, 3 seconds - shift to 3rd gear" etc. Doing this with the Porsche results in you entering the highway and shifting into 5th at 90mph (did I mention 90mph is at top-center of the speedometer? 55 is a quarter of the total gage). 5th gear is reserved for 85+.
With great fear of destroying something so wonderful, I dropped my bro off and the Porsche drove me home. I have no F^ckin clue how I'm going to be able to shop for a new car.
Jamie: "Man this piece of junk is slow."
Sales Douche: "Sir, this is the fastest model in its class according to this year's Motortrend AND Car And Driver."
Jamie: "Ok ok, I'm sorry. May be I shouldn't have put it so harshly. So how much are you charging for this shitbox again?"
posted by Chief Jimbo at 3:06 PM
7 Comments:
I hate you.
Well, not really...I am jealous, though. Every time I see a nice 944, I want one more. Like many of my automotive desires, it started with television, and ballooned from there. I remember watching an episode of the A-Team when I was a youngan, and seeing some guy steal a 944 from a country club. He took off in a blaze of smoke and glory (although I'm not sure how easy it would be to smoke the tires on a 944 without doing some serious harm to the clutch) and I was in love. I love the way they look, and I can only imagine how fantastic it would be to drive one. Spending one night every two weeks with a bunch of Porsche Club guys and being friends with Mat and Bob, I've heard a lot of stories.
At one point I was cruising around the Interweb looking for pictures of this fine mechanical specimen, and came across the very picture that you have linked in this post. One of the pics in that series was my background at work for a good month before I even knew that was your brother's car.
I've heard rumors recently that you are the proud owner of a Toyota Mr. Du. Is this the case? I hear those are pretty sweet as well.
Oh yeah, if memory serves, B.A. caught the guy who stole the Porsche, and fucked his shit good. I pity the fool.
11/1/05 9:21 AM
A car:
- is a vehicle.
- moves on wheels.
I don't see how this technological accomplishment is any more profound than, say, a computer. Yet, the same fanatical, masturbatory romanticization of those is met with scorn (see also: Mac owners).
I think liking cars (or liking sports, or liking tools) is just one of those things that guys are expected to do. I have a problem with liking something for no other reason than because I'm expected to. I think the idea of clinging to machismo is comical, and a little sad.
I liked the bit about the "duty to maintain the inherent dignity of the car," especially with the mirror of said car being held on by rubber bands.
12/1/05 4:20 PM
John:
Said rumors are to be put to rest once I get up to date on the rest of this shiz. (I'm still on mid december in publishing my list of drafted posts)
Mike:
A car is, at face value, what you listed. A room with wheels on it.
But some of us (mainly me...because I guess I'm sick), are engrossed with the art and beauty of mechanical design. People sneer and snicker at me when I tell them that engineering is a form of art. An engineers pen meshes science with style. And I don't mean style in the traditional sense. I mean "Wow, they not only made this .003" thick, they also incorporated strengthening ribs that act also as flow straighteners" kind of style. But it can also be style as in "they made it look awesome and function great." Another example of this is when I was busting a nut at the mercedes advanced manufacturing plant in Germany because the 3 ton assembler robots looked like a warehouse of orange arms performing Tai Chi, and I thought to myself "this is truly amazing that the engineer could program motion control algorythms to this extend and in doing so can create this symphony of motion before my eyes."
That's partially why I'm so into Gundam. It is artistry of mechanisms. Thinking of the electronic control, the human interface, the sheer beaty of the exterior design, makes me think about just what is possible in this day in age.
The Porsche is engineering at its finest. American cars have alway been crappy because it is the almighty buck (ok, I guess horsepower as well) that drives design. With japanese cars, its the almighty efficiency. But with the Porsche it is the inspiring mix of performance prowess, technological advancement, and visual style.
Failure to see or understand people's wants, desires, likes, and dislikes does not directly create scorn. Scorn in this situation is a product of the observer realizing that there is something there they can't understand and that this can't be because they believe they understand everything (at least that's how I am with Macs). The first step in being humble is admiting you know very little, which is why I look at myself in the mirror everyday and say "Jamie, You are one Dumb son of a bitch."
You're right about the rubberbands part tho. Man, Burke is a slum. But I was referring to the general brand of the car.
12/1/05 5:46 PM
I admit that my technical car knowledge could fit in a shoebox. But I'd say that I have an appropriate level of reverence for cars, even in my ignorance... provided that they work when I need them to.
When it comes down to it, yes, I grudgingly respect the fact that people really, really, really like cars. Fanatical interest is tolerable, since at the very least, I expect the same tolerance for my pursuits. Mocking on both sides is still par for the course, though.
I think part of what bothers me is the fact that the car passion is one of those canned guy defaults, that you're the odd one out if you're not into it. Same with sports and TV. Another part though, honestly, is that I bad that I *don't* intuitively get it. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Love of cars is one of those things that people buy into, wholesale. I'm aware that that statement doesn't give people a lot of credit, but I'm confident that most people are morons. Stupidity is an emergent quality of groups.
I guarantee that the majority of people who share the same level of fervor for cars aren't coming at it from a well-thought out (and articulate) standpoint like yours. By the way, extra bonus points for the Gundam reference; you know your audience.
In looking at my original comment, I was a little snide; I didn't mean to take it out on you. I just always feel like shooting myself when you, Mat, John, Ryan, and Tom get on the topic.
13/1/05 12:41 AM
hello, my name is ryan.
I feel as if i have to input my input into this input bucket. I would like to personally debunk mikes can o man theory. I love cars with a fiery burning itching passion. I dislike televised sports with the same passion. As an engineer, like my jamie before me, i have an appreciation for the mechanical device that no mortal (non engineer) can understand. Engineering IS art. Functionality and aethetics prance hand in hand, especially in cars.
You can drive in a 199x honda prelude, and think "whoa this is a fun ride". Then drive a 198x turbo 944 and think "whoa i think my anus is puckered". Most naysayers have never driven a real performance car. I didnt give a crap until i drove my friends mustang (ack, i know) back in 2000.
ive allready surpassed my self-imposed "4 words or less" answer to this so ill wrap it up. I am insulted to be labeled as a can o man since i enjoy cars and some dont understand why. I do however look down on those who look down on others simply because of the brand of car they own. namely porsche owners, but thats a seperate topic.
13/1/05 1:23 AM
Mikey -- I'm glad you caught yourself there. I was actually going to comment on how arrogant your post came off as being, but as usual, it was overtaken by events last night (dinner, sloth, etc.)
I can't speak to the engineering side of a car the same way that Ryan or Jamie can. I wish I could. I do know some things about engines and cars and how they work, but my knowledge would best be described as "dangerous." I'm the guy who tries to replace his air filter and ends up needing a new master cylinder. I did give some serious consideration to becomming a mechanical engineer, though, so I definitely appreciate the engineering side of a car more than your average enthusiast.
I agree that there is a good contingent of car lovers who are simply jumping on the bandwagon. I think that can be said about pretty much any interest or hobby, though. On its most basic level, a love for cars comes down to two very accessible things: they look cool and they go fast. Everybody likes shiny objects. If those shiny objects can propel you from a dead stop to 60mph in less than 5 seconds, that's even better. If they can do that and corner well, you're in tremendous shape (though it seems most people miss that one...they're only interested in straight lines). It's easy to be stupid and like cars. Unfortunately, what a lot of people don't realize is that it's also easy to be very smart and have a great appreciation for cars.
I agree with Ryan that looking down on someone simply because of what they drive is generally not a good thing. Some people look at cars merely as a form of transportation, and that's fine. I can find something to appreciate about 90% of the cars on the road (that's why it'll be near impossible for me to ever get a new one).
I also agree with Ryan that there are a lot of Porsche guys out there who are complete tools. They think if you're not driving a Porsche, you're wrong. I'm willing to bet that most of the people who fall into that category know nothing about the engineering side of a Porsche or a Ferrari or a Toyota or anything. They see a Porsche as a status symbol and nothing more. An oldie but a goodie:
Q: What's the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?
A: A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
Oh, and one last thing for Mikey -- For those times when you want to kill yourself because we're discussing cars, I give you two words: Final Fantasy.
13/1/05 8:22 AM
Yeah, I miss Ed.
13/1/05 11:27 AM
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