This Just In: I'm Not Adopted

I've been joking with my parents for a while now that I was adopted. This view was based on the grounds that I am the only one in my direct family who has an immune disorder, a heart defect, an IQ lower than 182, and has not needed braces or glasses...until now.

I was filled in about my Parishhood by my dentist. I asked him about the 0.5mm gap between my top and bottom front teeth when I bite down, and he soon discovered that only about 4 teeth were touching when I bit down. Taking into account confusion behind my lineage, he put it to me softly. "Holy Crap! How do you eat?! You're going to need braces if you want to eat normally." Blast.

An interesting factoid I learned during this visit: Sipping sugary drinks such as coffee and soda over a 20+ minute period is HORRIBLE for your teeth. When sugars mix with saliva, the PH of your mouth decreases (making the mix acidic) and has a certain fall off time to get back to a neutral PH. Sipping maintains this acidic PH in your mouth and eats away at your teeth. Solutions for me: 1) Inject Mt. Dew intravenesly, 2) Splash hot morning coffee in my face to take in caffeine transdermally, and 3) Use Expresso Shots instead of Visene to moisturize eyes.